Now that I’m a single woman, a friend and I were talking about the world of dating. We couldn’t agree about whether or not he’s a bum. Odd topic, I know.
I fancy myself a bit of an expert at identifying ‘bums”, since I’ve dated so many. Anyway, I thought I’d compose a little quiz for my friend’s and my mutual enlightenment. It turned out to be worth sharing!
Disclaimer: I know I’m conjuring the image of a homeless person by using the term “bum”. I’ve dated a homeless person and I’ve dated non-homeless people. I assure you, I can tell the difference between a homeless person and a “bum”. They are not always the same thing.
NOTE: All answers are excerpts from my extended research based on participant observation (i.e. My life. True story.)
Take this fun little quiz to see how you fare!
Quiz: Are you a BUM?
Choose the answers below that best suit your circumstance. At the end, add up your results to find out if you are, in fact, a BUM.
Do you have a job?
- Yes. I meet my financial obligations (that means you pay the bills and support the people you are responsible for) and have a little left over for fun stuff.
- Sometimes. But I only work at stuff I like, and I’m behind on the rent in my basement bachelor suite. Do you have an extra bedroom? Are you going to eat that sandwich?
- No. I worked last month, remember? Besides, I’m busy writing (my novel, my poetry, my play, my jokes. Fill in the blank. It’s important, though, that you’re not ACTUALLY writing anything).
- Jobs are so bourgeois.
- I have asked you repeatedly not to interrupt me when I’m thinking.
Are you an addict of any kind?
- No. I may or may not drink socially. I can have fun without abusing any substance — drugs, alcohol, or any other.
- No! Listen, Baby. Do you think you know what an alcoholic is? I KNOW what an alcoholic is. My dad — now he was a drunk! You’ve never ss ssseeennn an a-all-cohhholichh! (Pour another drink).
- My doctor thinks I should go to rehab. But I don’t have time, and I’m scared I’d lose my job. Do you want me to lose my job? Is that what you want?
- That wasn’t me you saw snorting coke. My friends didn’t tell me they’d be doing that. I was just watching, and I was about to leave. Why were you there, anyway? Why are you so paranoid?
- A vape has many purposes. It’s not just for smoking marijuana. You can use it for herbs. Really, it’s so cute how you don’t know anything about drugs.
Do you respect my interests?
- Yes. I don’t share them all, but I think they make you interesting. I have tried some of them and I’ve learned from the experience. I appreciate your support. I love that you respect my interests too.
- Ya Baby! You go ahead and do your stuff! (Fill in the blank with anything I’m interested in) is not my thing, though. You go on ahead without me.
- It’s okay, I think. Hey, don’t mention it to my parents, though, okay?
- How much is this gonna cost?
- How can you sit all day like that, just reading?
Is it important to have a clean house?
- Yes, but not at the expense of being happy. I have other things to do as well. Let’s work on it Saturday morning and then go do something fun.
- Don’t judge me. I know where everything is! What’s that smell?
- I folded the laundry and did the dishes that time. Remember? Six months ago? Stop bugging me!
- That’s your job, Sweetheart. What did you do all day, anyway?
- I live on my friend’s couch, so it’s not really an issue.
What’s in your fridge?
- Usually an assortment of healthy stuff, covering all food groups. Some junk food. Everyone needs a treat sometimes. Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?
- 100 different kinds of BBQ sauce.
- Beer. Mix. Just the necessities.
- Don’t open that!
- I am currently, um, between homes, so it’s not really an issue.
Where do dirty socks and underwear go?
- Separated from all other clothes (socks removed from pant legs, underwear removed from jeans) and into the laundry basket.
- I don’t know. Where did you put them?
- I think I left them under the couch when I was watching the hockey game.
- (Sniffs) Do you think I need a change?
- These are the only ones I have.
Okay, that’s enough. Basically, if you mostly picked (1), you are probably not a bum, in my humble opinion.
My answers were:
2 (except that I own my house); 1; 1; 2; 1; 1.
So I’m slightly a bum. Historically I have had a high BUM tolerance. But I’m looking to change that.
My friend got all 1’s, but I’m not sure if I believe him.